Dating with HIV: My Experience and Thoughts

by Kevin Maloney

I am now 18 months post my dual diagnosis of HIV and Hepatitis C, and 9 months post successful Hepatitis C treatment. I thought it was time to meet someone; no, not just for sex, but for something more.  You see since my dual diagnosis I have felt completely a-sexual, and I’ll admit, feeling a bit ‘tainted’ too.  Even HIV + guys are hesitant to meet me when I tell them I also ‘had’ Hepatitis C.

So, wonderful, where does that put me in the dating scene?  Someone would really have to be desperate to meet me!  Recently I met someone by the name of ‘Dustin’. He smoked, and I said I would NEVER date a smoker, but I have been desperate to make a connection with another positive individual.  I thought I could ignore the smoke.  He was handsome, professional, similar in age, and a sweet talker, among, *uhm, other things….

I hear the knock on the door, I’m a bit nervous, I look through the blinds (pictures match), and open the door to meet him.  He reeked of smoke. We had some drinks, but all I could smell was the smoke emanating from him.  Almost immediately I had withdrawn all interest, and my body language turned very cold. He got the hint, and excused himself.

I’ve met one other person since that night, and a non-smoker! While the physical connection was there, I couldn’t allow myself to open up. Again, my body language turned cold, and he too left. Why am I having such difficulty meeting people, why can’t I open up, why does my body language turn so cold, why can’t I let anyone in? Before HIV I always had fear of rejection, having HIV compounds this fear.  I feel like damaged goods.

I am also stuck in the mindset that I would never date anyone who is HIV negative, and think how could I ever be in a serodiscordant relationship? I would not want to give to someone else what I have, no matter how small the chance. I wouldn’t wish HIV on anyone. I know that limits the pool of potentials as well.  Since day one of my diagnosis I made a commitment to myself to always disclose my HIV status when it comes to dating, maybe this is my dilemma?

I’ve allowed my emotions over my status dictate my single life. I had withdrawn and isolated from the World. I am trying to slowly build the confidence again to meet someone, and crawl out from under the shadows of my illness. As alone as I feel with my diagnosis; I hold out hope. I have been in three relationships prior to my HIV diagnosis, and one for over 2 years. I’ve traveled the world, been on many adventures, have a creative and intellectual mindset, caring, kind, honest, and have a super loveable personality.

I keep the hope of meeting someone, because I know that really loving someone means loving them for who they are and accepting the whole package.  I guess you would call that a soul-mate and I believe that person is out there somewhere.  So, today I make a commitment to myself to never settle for less than my heart’s desire. And to anyone reading this with HIV/AIDS or any other chronic illness; YOU deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and YOU shouldn’t settle for less.

 

Usually I am the one to offer tips and advice, but when it comes to dating and HIV I feel hopeless. I hope whoever is reading this will chime in.  Are you in a relationship? How long have you been together? How did you meet? How long after your diagnosis did you feel comfortable seriously dating someone?  Until next time….

Sexless in Seattle,

Kevin Maloney

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